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Dear Living;
The quick and dirty answer to your question is: yes, you should chuck Chuck.
Your divorce is still fresh, you are not ready for something new. Right now
you should focus on yourself. Make yourself happy without the complications
of a man, and then start looking sometime in the future.
I can see from your letter that you are very frustrated and confused right
now. It sounds like you feel you’ve wasted time, you need to catch up to your
friends with babies, you also want love and companionship that we all crave,
and you want it all to happen RIGHT NOW. At the same time you are tired of
relationships, which is reasonable considering what you’ve been through over
the past few years. So my second piece of advice is going to sound crazy,
but here it is: Relax, breathe.
Ok, now lets get to the nitty gritty. Chuck sounds like the typical rebound
guy. You said yourself he is only a slight improvement on the man you married.
Plus he’s 23. Although I believe that older woman/younger man couples can
be very happy, there are a few red flags with Chuck that make it sound like
he’s not a keeper. You say he doesn’t want to get married or move in together--clear
signals that he’s not into long term commitment right now. Even if he were
ready to commit, it sounds like you’re only tempted to settle for him out
of fear of being alone. I think you’ll be best served in the long run if you
end it with Chuck right now, for good. Don’t worry about placing blame, asking
if it’s you or him at fault. It’s just not the right thing for you now and
you should say goodbye without hesitation. Ciao!
If you’re worried about wasted time, catching up to friends due to your ‘doozy
of a life mistake’ just think about what it would be like if you make another
doozy. There’s a saying which I am about to mangle that goes something like:
The greatest obstacle between you and your ideal tomorrow is what is easy
and sits in front of you today. In other words, sometimes you have to take
the rough path in order to get what you want in the long run. Don’t worry
about hurting Chuck, he’ll be ok. Worry about yourself and where you want
to be in five or ten years.
You said you are afraid of being alone and that you’ve always had a guy in
your life. That in itself is enough to exhaust a woman! You mention that you
know this is a sign of low self-esteem, but I also think it’s a CAUSE of low
self-esteem.
You know you don’t really need a guy around to give you affection and sex,
but you’re afraid to find out what it actually feels like to be alone. My
suggestion to you now is to take this time to find out. I don’t mean go back
to getting drunk and running around like a hoochie. I mean say ‘cheerio’ to
Chuck and just be alone. It is the time we spend alone that helps us learn
who we are as individuals, what our tastes are, what our strengths are. In
other words, the alone time is
when you build self esteem.
You asked who is your soul mate--well, try pretending for a while that you
are your own soul mate. This sounds hokey, I know, but it’s just another way
of saying that you should spend time doing things on your own, for yourself.
Take a day trip to a local site you’ve wanted to see, go to a museum, jog,
walk the dog, paint, cook, whatever it is you can do, ON YOUR OWN, that makes
you happy. If you can’t think of anything, think harder! This is the crux
of your self-esteem issue. Eventually you’ll find that you enjoy your time
alone. I can’t say how long you need, but six months is a good place to start.
You’ll know when you’re really ready. And when you are you’ll be ready to
pick someone who is an equal and fitting partner in more ways than Chuck or
your ex ever were.
And about your girlfriends who coo like lovebirds with their husbands--remember
that you only see 20% or less of their relationship. Real, live relationships
are not always peachy and romantic. I know plenty of married people who are
secretly miserable and would give anything to go back to their glorious single
days. Remember, the grass is always greener, and like you said, no one but
you is responsible for your happiness.
Good Luck.
-Vivi (aka, me)
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