Dear Confused:

I think you should let the relationship go. It sounds like you are not satisfied with the way your boyfriend is, and it’s not fair to him or you if you stick around and try to mold him into what you want.

No one likes to be corrected on their dress habits, manners or social skills. Our mothers did what they could while we were still kids to teach us manners and save us from becoming social outcasts who blunder through life using the wrong fork and forgetting to say excuse me after burping. Back then we were young and impressionable, and we just took Mom’s word for it. It may have been annoying but we didn’t know any better. We stopped chewing with our mouths open, tucked our shirts in and learned to lube our social interactions with Please, Thank You and You’re Welcome.

But then we grew up and ripened into quirky, unique and sometimes boorish adults. As adults we are pretty much set in who we are, good or bad. And if we’re lucky, we like who we’ve become. Some people are introverted or shy and/or slightly disheveled, and actually like being that way! And some people even find shy and disheveled to be quite charming!

As adults we consider our dress and manners to be a big part of who we are and how we define ourselves. So when someone tries to tell us we’re not up to par in the refinement arena, it can be very insulting. I imagine for a grown man of 40 this is especially difficult to hear.

So when you try to get your boyfriend to dress ‘better,’ socialize more etc, it is reasonable for him to think that who he is when he is ‘As-Is’ is not the person you want to be with. And when the person he loves (you) tells him he needs to change, it’s only normal for that to make him feel bad about himself. Yeah he might end up looking great in pressed khakis and polo shirts, but inside he feels hurt, he feels inadequate, and you feel like you’re dating a mopey and insecure man with nice manners.

The truth is he already is who he wants to be, and if you were hoping for someone a little more refined it’s really your problem, not his. So I would recommend one of the following actions: a) Leave your boyfriend, let him be who he wants to be, these are your standards, not his. Go find someone who meets your expectations. b) Drop the expectations and accept your boyfriend the way he is.

He deserves to be with someone who accepts him, and you deserve to be with someone who lives up to your standards. It’s up to you whether that will be in this relationship or in another one with someone else.

Good Luck.