Dear Loveless,

Let’s tackle your past relationship briefly to talk about what might have happened there. I can’t be totally sure without more information, but it sounds like you held what I call a “Pre-emptive Strike.” A Pre-emptive Strike is when you take action to end or back off from a relationship in anticipation of the other person wanting to back off or end the relationship. When someone does this it’s usually a sign that they are very uncomfortable with rejection and would rather take control and be the one doing the ‘rejecting’ rather than wait and find out what the other person is really thinking and feeling. It’s all about fear, insecurity, and protecting yourself.

The biggest problem with Pre-emptive Strikes is that you can’t know what another person is thinking or feeling unless you ask them. If you’re wrong about the other person wanting to back off, you end up hurting a relationship that you both want – just to save yourself from the possibility that the other person wants space.

It sounds like your ex actually wanted to be in that relationship, and not move to being ‘just friends’ and even after this information was clear to you, somehow the relationship ended. I think the lesson here is don’t try to read someone’s mind. Be upfront in your relationships, be honest about your own feelings and ask your partner to do the same. If you sense something is wrong, simply say: “I sense you are backing away from this relationship, if you want to cool things down and just be friends I would be disappointed, but I would understand.” If you had said this to your ex, maybe things would not have ended the way they did?

You also asked about dealing with future relationships. The foundation of a good relationship is two compatible people – so, Yes, you should expect to find someone with whom you share an equal level of interest and attraction. Finding that person will take time, and in the meantime you’ll probably meet a bunch of guys who don’t return your interest, or who are more interested in you than you are in them.

You seem worried that after you get intimate with someone and his emotions change it might be a result of him loosing interest in your physique or personality, and that this is somehow related to your “guy criteria.” If you are asking if you should be aiming lower, the answer is NO! Like I said before, it’s just a matter of a good match—which is actually very rare.

Think about it. Sometimes the chemistry is not there with a guy. You’re not digging him as much as he digs you, and it may have nothing to do with him being unattractive, many woman may find him attractive, but he’s just not your type. You wouldn’t send him back on the street telling him to aim lower—just aim different. The same goes for you—if a guy isn’t interested it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, the match is just wrong.

A final point on the topic of looks—a good match does not necessarily require people of equal “beauty.” Keep in mind that beauty is complex and relative; not everyone agrees on who or what is beautiful. Some people find a sense of humor beautiful and sexually attractive, for others intelligence is king, and for others kindness and generosity are incredibly attractive. So don’t spend too much time ranking yourself in the looks department. Just be honest with yourself about who you are and what you have to offer, and look for someone who matches you as a whole person.

As for your future relationships, I think your instinct to move slowly is correct. Have you ever heard someone say “we were really interested in each other, but then things moved too slowly and it all fell apart.” It just doesn’t happen. What does happen if you go slow is that you learn more about someone before getting intimate or emotionally involved, and you can make a more informed decision about whether or not you even want to get more involved.

You should always wait until you feel comfortable to get physically involved. This is a personal choice – some people are OK with having intimacy early with no commitment, for others they want the commitment up front. If you don’t like how things get screwed up emotionally after getting intimate, then you’re probably the type who likes to have more commitment. The only way to get this is by going slower; this is one area where talking cannot take the place of time. I hate to generalize, (I’m gonna do it anyway!) but often men will say they want commitment when it’s really too soon for them to honestly know what they want, just because they really really want you physically. So, asking him questions about it early on will not produce too much useful information. The best bet is to take it slow, make sure the interest is genuine for both of you before proceeding with physical stuff.

Good luck!